My apologies for the delay. I have been dealing with depression. Some days are great, some are good and others are just down right terrible. Last week, I was so sad. I kept rethinking my new situation and the conversations I had with my advisor concerning the switch from PhD to MS. My anger rose and self-doubt crept right back in. I started crying while dissecting tissue. But the other part of me kept saying to get over it. What's done is done and now it's time to move on. But I was not only crying because I didn't get the degree I wanted, or felt like a failure, I was crying because I felt alone. I can't describe it, the "alone" feeling because I'm not alone. My husband and mom must have had a sixth sense because they both called me that day. I felt SO much better after talking with my mom and spending the afternoon with my husband. Then "CLICK" it was all over. The depression was gone. CRAZY!
Back to the journey. The Spring Semester!
I came back from vacation with a great sense of ... worth. My first manuscript was submitted, I was making great progress on the second manuscript and I was talking more with my advisor. Everything seemed to be going well. I was confident I would defend that semester. I even decided to put my foot down with my advisor. I remember telling her that I wanted this semester to be the last semester. I was pretty much out of work and I was sick and tired of my project. The ever cautious advisor said let's talk with your committee. I was super nervous. My last committee meeting was at least two years ago. Plus, I hadn't practiced my science "speak" with scientists. I'm talking about the causal conversations you have with your peers concerning your work, why it works, why it doesn't, possibilities to fix the problems with your work and what to do next. The practice I had while in grad school kind of just withered away without the interactions with other nerds.
At my committee meeting, I prepared a chapter by chapter presentation of my dissertation, including all the extra data that I hadn't figured out how to organize for the fourth chapter. The background (intro chapter) and next two chapters (two manuscripts) went great. The fourth part of the presentation, all the extra don't know what to do with it data, was my down fall.
I thought going into the presentation that the committee would help me figure out what to do with all the extra data. But I was WRONG!!! At this point of the grad program, I should have been able to pick out the data from the extra data to make a complete story. My bad.
See the thing is, I wanted the meeting to be a discussion of my data, a conversation, a guide but instead it was a "let's see if she deserves a PhD" meeting. And it was all good until the stupid fourth chapter. I wasn't prepared for the looks the committee gave me, the "what the hell happened to the organization" and "that is a whole of data with no story to it" look. My "I've got this!" turned into "oh f**k!".
The committee said I should have been able to give a complete story and my advisor, I think, was horrified/surprised that I hadn't. My mistake was not sending my presentation to her prior to the meeting. I honestly didn't think it was a do or die meeting, literally. I understood that they were going to see my performance, my ability, my science. I wanted to know what I needed to do to become better and help prepare me for my PhD defense. For goodness sake, I was out of the loop-hole for two years! I could have/would have done better, have been much better prepared, if I had thought the meeting to be a defining moment in my graduate career.
To be cont...
