Anxiety

Why is it that when you sit to type all the thoughts in your head nothing comes out! I mean really! After learning to write scientifically, which is much more different than writing for the general public, I find it hard to NOT nit-pick what my first words should be. I find it even harder to type what I am thinking and not really go back and make sure everything is appropriately structured and precisely written.

Let's continue with my story.  I was a ghost to the department and after some discussion with my advisor, who was trying to make me feel better, said to me that everyone had thought I just dropped out of the program. How would that make me feel better? She continued to mention that other students in my position would have dropped out but I hadn't. Ok, that made me feel a little bit better. Just a little. I will continue with this story later when I describe more of my discussion with my advisor later.

I was a ghost to the department not just because I was avoiding everyone but also because I ran out of funding. No funding = no research. At this very time I was trying to manage my hypothyroidism. A few months after the hypothyroid diagnosis, lack of research funding and stress from the department, I was diagnosed with anxiety. I would like to expand a little about my anxiety diagnosis.

My department was able to stretch out my grant funding for another year after having my daughter and then extend the last of the monies for another mid-summer, although the check was extremely smaller. This dwindling financial resource was putting a strain on our family. Stress was coming at me from everywhere! I wanted to get done. I wanted to work on my project. I wanted to submit my manuscripts. I wanted to get published. I wanted more help. I think my downfall was not getting more help, not asking for help. But I did get some help, after crying rivers to my Dr for medication to help me focus. I remember telling her that I just couldn't focus or concentrate on anything. I also couldn't sleep and suffered from insomnia. I can remember reading the same paragraph that I had just written over and over again because I could not remember what I just wrote or how I wanted to change/improve the paragraph.  I was falling hard and fast, and I wanted the Dr to give me drugs! My doctor did not want to give me stimulants without first determining what was really the problem, ADD, depression or anxiety. Damn it! I wanted to walk out of the Dr's office with a nice prescription in hand, drugs to help me focus. Instead, my prescription was to see a psychologist.

At the clinic, I cried rivers again and was officially diagnosed with anxiety. Great! I know what is wrong, now give me drugs! You would think I was a drug addict by the way I wanted drugs. I didn't care what kind of drugs, I just wanted drugs right then and there! I wanted to work and get work done. No drugs yet. I had to see another doctor to get the prescription the next day. Shit! Can you tell I was desperate! Finally, I was prescribed three different types of drugs: two were anti-depressants, one for anxiety and the other for sleeping, the last one was a beta-blocker for the panic attacks. I have to say I love(d) the beta-blocker. It was instant relief! My goodness, I had no idea that my heart was racing so fast, so hard, until I drank that first pill. I could breath and my thoughts were returning. I swear it took only a minute to kick in!

When you suffer from anxiety, your body is always in a "fight or flight" mode. There is no concentrating when you running away from a hungry bear! You just run. Can you image I was in this mode 24/7? How exhausting!

So I took my daily anti-anxiety/depression medication everyday and my beta-blocker every time I sat to work on my papers. After four weeks, my daily med was working and I was working consistently on my manuscripts. I was able to get a job as a part-time lab tech.

I was motivated again and I could concentrate! Yay, I was making progress! It was slow, as it was taking weeks to get comments on my manuscript but I was feeling better.

Next blog, I will write about how my lab tech and teaching jobs help bring back some self-confidence.