Introduction to ABD PhD Mommy

I don’t know really where to start. ABD stands for All But Dissertation, I have all the training for a PhD except that I did/have not written and defended a dissertation. Now before I get into the specifics of my PhD/graduate student life/career, I want to divulge the purpose of this blog.

My goal for this blog is to help me express my feelings, my disappointment, my ever decreasing self confidence and provide me the therapeutic outlet I would normally have with my girl friends. I just need to release… and breathe once again.

So where do I start? Do I start with my goal of getting a PhD since high school? Do I start with my first years at the community college then transfer to the university? Do I start with my first real research experience or the beginning of graduate school? Or do I start with the end which in hindsight should really be the beginning of something new?

I think I will start where it all began… my pregnancy, approximately four years ago. My husband and I never wanted children, we were to self absorbed to care for a little human, but we decided we should have at least one and we did. I was in my 5^th year in my PhD neuroscience graduate program. I was at an excellent place! I had already passed my preliminary exam/proposal defense, a PhD candidate (not student), with several scholarship awards, an NIH (National Institute of Health) grant, and at the tail end of my graduate career. My research was mostly done and I had started writing the first of two “supposed” manuscripts. What is the best time to have a child? There is never a perfect time to have a child but I believed I was at the best place possible, with the flexibility of grad school and supportive husband, why not!

The first trimester of pregnancy was tough with constant nausea. Everyone kept telling me to think positive, to think of the wonderful bundle of joy with I will hold in my hands after nine months. The only thing I could think of at the time was how this little parasite was making me feel so awfully sick! Then in the later trimesters, I could not think straight, concentrate or remember any sorts of information. Stupid “mommy brain”! Stupid hormones! Ugh! That was the beginning of the end of my PhD program.

I worked through my pregnancy and learned a new technique, all the while trying to write up my first manuscript. I had a supportive mentor and department. Following a c-section, I took six weeks off from my graduate program. After my time off, I went back to work. Six months after the birth of my lovely daughter, I lost all energy, concentration and motivation to work on my project. After talking with my doctor and some blood work, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. At the same time, I ran out of funding and my department was, to put it nicely, extremely encouraging me to wrap up my project.  Prior to my pregnancy, this would not have been an issue. I would be able to concentrate, focus and dedicate most of my time to finish up my project. But I was trying to get my hormones under control with medication. I believe my hypothyroidism provided the foundation to the anxiety I suffered due to the stress. I completely shut down! Every single time I sat to write or go to the lab, I suffered a panic attack. I had no idea that my heart was always racing. I would sit to write or read my own work and I could not get through one sentence in one day. When I finally had something to turn in, it would take my advisor anywhere from 4 to 8 weeks to make comments and suggestions, then it would take me about the same time to give her back my corrections. It took us over a year to get one of my manuscripts ready for submission.

At this very low point in my life, I felt like I was defeated! I could not go to the lab not because there were people in the lab, I was the only one working in the lab, no lab tech, no students, just me, but because I could not face the people in my department. Once you reach your 5^th year in a graduate program, people begin to ask when you will defend. I believed that I, after being in the program almost seven years at this point, could not face this question anymore. I did not know the answer to the question and it gave me panic attacks! Would I ever finish? Would I ever get my PhD?  

I was a ghost to the department and I’m pretty sure they thought I had just drifted away into oblivion. Only two people really knew I was still slowly, and I mean at a snail’s pace, working on my project, my mentor and my fellow classmate and friend “Watson”. Her real name will be kept anonymous because this anonymity provides me the ability to write freely without anyone knowing who I am. Of course my girlfriends knew of all my troubles but Watson and my mentor were the two people who looked at my work in progress.

I think this is a good place to stop for now. This is a long story but one that I have to get out. And really it is to help me but I hope this will help others as well.

To be continued…